Tarot Reading for CrystalBluePersuasion

My story is as follows: I have two men in my life who "love" me and whom I love. The first man and I became involved 4 years ago, let's call him JR. JR was attentive and sweet at first and our relationship moved very quickly with him moving into my place (upon his suggestion) about a month after we met. However, after we experienced a pregnancy loss at about the 6-month marker, he checked out of the relationship; he stayed but was verbally abusive, emotionally detached, and began abusing drugs. Although I got help for him, ultimately he left me just a few days prior to our 1-year anniversary. A few months thereafter I began seeing Harley, a former work colleague with whom I was always friendly. Harley and I connected on a very deep level and could talk about anything, and our sexual chemistry was the best of my life. But he too had some demons to fight, and before long our relationship faded and we said goodbye for awhile. He found me again a few months later and we began again, but I decided to move on and met a terribly abusive man who actually ended up in jail for beating and stalking me. When I was in that relationship, JR called me and begged me to take him back, but I refused. When the relationship got out of control, I contacted JR for help and he gave me some information. He then quickly swooped in to save the day as the sheriff was taking away my abuser. But again, his swooping in lasted only a few months before he came up with another excuse to leave. During this time, Harley was also pursuing me again and really wanted to begin our relationship anew, but I refused. I ended up alone and stayed that way for quite some time; I spent one beautiful night with Harley in the interim then moved on to another ill-fated relationship. As that relationship turned sour, JR again swooped in and we ended up together. Harley was very upset by this; he wanted to be there for me and commit but I continued to choose JR over him even though JR systematically dismantled my life and my self esteem. I took JR back over a year ago, and things went very well as long as everything went his way and I handled any adversity on my own. I continued to talk to Harley in a friendship capacity, as we had always been, but he was still unhappy and concerned for my welfare. Over time, the relationship with JR has gone bad again and he is more verbally abusive and noncommittal than ever, expecting me to cater to his every whim but offering me no support or emotional security. Harley is upset but still loving, asking me why I choose to be unhappy instead of moving on from JR; he said he wants to be with me, but says even if I would not choose to be he still does not want to see my life destroyed with JR; he says he wants me to be happy. The truth is, every moment I've spent with Harley has been happy - but JR treats me terribly and I keep going back. Harley has made some relationship mistakes with me, but is making effort after effort to try and repair them and I'm reluctant to try. I think I am afraid to be happy. I need some direction. My question is: Why am I so scared to be apart from someone who is so toxic in my life, and why do I avoid happiness when it is there for the taking?

YOUR FREE LOVE TAROT


Queen of Wands
You are extroverted, vibrant and energetic. Focus your vitality in constructive projects.

The Hanged Man
You are suspended, going through a testing period of your life. You may have to sacrifice something to achieve a greater good.

Four of Swords
Take your time to rest and meditate after a period of conflict and struggle.

Five of Wands
If you still feel the need to burn energy, instead of wasting it in useless fights and arguments, try to give it a positive outlet.

Ten of Pentacles
You’ll receive help from a close friend or a family member to overcome your problems and create a stable and satisfying situation that may involve marriage.

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