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Tarot for RaeOfLight

We met a year ago - January 2013.
The strangest aspect of this meeting was that in October 2012 I had felt his presence before I actually saw him - and when I did 'see' him, I was fascinated at what I was feeling...a strange familiarity, like I'd met him before.
I dismissed this, and was surprised when we actually met unexpectedly, several weeks later. Stranger still was that on getting to know each other in the early stages, he confessed that he had spotted me several months before and told himself that he would be with me in 2014.
We have both been divorced and up to that moment had tried and failed at relationships, him because of his pattern of fear of commitment and a busy professional life, me on account of my pattern of attracting abusive relationships.
I had in fact just come out of a 7 month period of deep reflection and healing from the last disastrous and violent relationship, so really was not looking or interested in attracting the attentions of a man on a romantic level of getting involved.
By February, however, David and I were in a relationship, but I broke it off in June when he's patterns of going cold and distant, disturbed my equilibrium and revealed to me my own fears..of rejection, abandonment and abuse.
We maintained contact for two to three months after this and reunited in October. Everything seemed to be peachy, our communication had improved (pr so I thought) and we checked in with each other on the progress we were making with regards to our relationship. In mid December, 3 days after a birthday dinner with his family, he suddenly stated that we not in a relationship, he was afraid of commitment, we should take baby steps...etc all the same 'stuff' from earlier.
Because we had agreed that we would work on improving our communications, I tried to get us to sit down and speak properly without attack or assumptions. This did not work and on Christmas day, after another dinner with his family (mother, father and daughter - I felt uncomfortably that my and David's relationship had been a topic of discussion by them, as the mother and daughter were unusually cool with me, sadly) he insisted on walking me home from the hotel they were staying at, coming in for tea which at first I believed to be a sign that he was willing to close this distance he started putting between us and really explain what was going on.
It was a lovely enough moment, where we spoke of the day's events, of his business trip plans... I gave him a foot spa which he asked for as his feet were hurting as result of his diabetes. He embraced me, then suddenly pushed me away and said "we are not a couple, I don't know what we are, I can see I am hurting you and should just disappear, but I am not ready to disappear from your life.
I still want us to be in each others lives" and then stating how confused he was because what he wanted to do right then was to make love to me right then... he practically ran out of my cottage.
Later that evening he texted to say he had left the Christmas gift I had bought and had engraved for him and that he would collect it the next time he was in the area. I did not hear from him again until Jan 1 2014 and then a week after that, by which point, struggling to come to terms with the suddenness in change of affections and direction, struggling with feelings of confusion, pain, shock, rejection and and degradation, I had begun my healing, letting go work on myself.
Believing I was ready to forgive both him and myself and let go, I told him I would leave the gift at his office or at the hotel. He wouldn't hear any of it and insisted that he would call me when next in the area and we could meet up, have dinner and he would return some items I had left at his home and he would collect his gift then.
I have long since stopped making the gift exchange any sort of issue, but anybody reading this, will see that I am still in love with him, despite giving both me and him space and time.
I would be grateful for any perspective which will assist me on my journey of healing, growing and letting go. Many thanks, Love and light


Five of Wands: You have been through opposition and struggling.

Ten of Wands: There is no need to carry the world upon your shoulders.

Six of Pentacles: Learning to give and receive is the key to balance.

Four of Cups: Let go of empty dreams and illusions.

Four of Swords: Take a break. You need calm and renewal to regroup your forces and relax your mind and body.

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