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Daily Devastation

I was unsure of what to put here, so I just uploaded a picture I took of the clouds outside of my house, It was a moment of beauty to me and I thought I would share it.

I was unsure of what to put here, so I just uploaded a picture I took of the clouds outside of my house, It was a moment of beauty to me and I thought I would share it.

My husband and I have been married for two years and together for three, things have always been a little rocky between us. He was a bachelor for a long time before we got together and I think despite the draw to me , he was not ready to settle down. When I met him he had a harem of girls interested in him and they were furious with me for "taking him" and tried like the dickens to get rid of me. I tried to let him go but he just kept coming back. Despite him being the one who came back to me, I still have felt, until recently, that he resents me being here because that means he cannot party with all of his old flames and have them fall all over him. ( It is more than a feeling really, he has been frustrated on more than one occasion that I am not comfortable with him going out and drinking with a bunch of women who have been very vocal about the fact that they don't like me and that they still want to be with him.)

He has always felt that I am weak and that I cannot handle life, because ever since he has known me I have had problems with anxiety. I do not agree with him. I believe that I am a very strong woman, I finished my associates degree on my own with two children and now I have almost completed my bachelors.

I was a single parent before he and I got together and had just gotten out of a terribly abusive relationship , where I barely escaped with my life. I had and still do have domestic violence related P.T.S.D and because of that and some of the underlying issues I had related to it. He says I allow it to control my life (this usually happens after he has screamed at me which is a p.t.s.d trigger for me and I shut down or cry which makes him angry). He has always thrown it in my face that I am weak and always using my past as an excuse to break down and not get things done.(In hind sight,I think he was and is projecting because I believe that I have accomplished a lot in my life)

We got pregnant right before I was considering breaking it off with him. Our baby is nearly two years old now. Finally we started being able to communicate and he stopped saying all of those terrible things to me and ripping me apart on a regular basis. I felt like things were great, he was being kind and loving and I felt like we were working together and kicking proverbial butt. Over the past three weeks however, I have gotten sick multiple times, I held down the household with very little sleep, no help and a smile on my face, despite having a very severe and painful infection that I had to take two different antibiotics to get rid of. Because my immune system was compromised from infection, I got sick again for one day last week and was running a very high fever which was annoying and very inconvenient for him and I dared ask for help with the children so I could take a nap. A few days later he got sick and I waited on him hand and foot as I usually do when he is sick, took care of him and let him sleep as long as he wanted. He started getting better and then I got the flu from one of our children, and for the first time in our married lives he was kind to me and supportive and helped me when I was sick. He let me take naps and didn't hold it over my head, he was loving towards me and held me as I shivered through the fevers. He brought me water and tylenol. He didn't yell at me for the house. He finally treated me with the love and respect that I have always treated him with when he gets sick and just in general.

Throughout the day yesterday, I caught up on all of our laundry and dishes and all housework a little at a time because we had gotten behind when I was sick. I was tired and didn't feel well but I did it anyhow because it wasn't going to stop piling up just because I was sick. He started to become annoyed with how productive I was despite being sick and started picking little fights here and there about how bad the house looked but I just kept chipping away at the work. Finally everything was done and he seemed grateful.

Then this morning, it all did a complete 180. I was not getting over the flu as quickly as he thought I should have and he was tired of being nice to me. He yelled at me as I was shivering and having 102.00 temperature that I could not handle life! He called me weak again and he was just being very cruel. He said that if I was this sick that I should have gone to the doctor (it is a holiday week and the doctor is not even in the office). He said that I do not help him and he cannot count on me for what matters. That I don't keep the kids quiet enough when he needs a nap and that he is still sick.

I felt like I was in the twilight zone, this happens frequently with him, but never like this. I was literally in bliss over the past few months because I could finally trust him. I could accept his help and not worry about this, we could work together, we could love each other and be kind to one another and then bam, it was over and according to him the past few months had never happened. I was worthless and a terrible mother and didn't take care of the kids like I should (for the record, I do a lot with my children to enhance their lives, I am constantly doing art projects and science projects and reading and writing stories with them and taking them to parks and on nature walks.)

That statement hurts me so much when he says it, because I put everything into caring for my family so for him to say that I don't help him and I don't care for the kids is just wrong it is like he was hatefully lying to my face. I am sorry if it seems like I am babbling, I am just at a loss, I cannot go back to this life of daily devastation. It is too much after seeing how things could be, I don't understand what happened, I can't fix it and for once in my life, I am fairly certain it is not my problem and I don't know what to do.

So all of that being said, after trying to do my own readings on the matter and getting inconclusive results...
My question is: what, if anything, can I do to help my husband feel that I support and love him and ease this general tension and resentment he feels towards me?

I know this was a long one, and again I apologize for the rambling. :)


Seven of Coins
Although you may feel that you have wasted time, you are now ready for a pause and an assessment of the situation.

You can count on your inner strength and patience to solve your problems. Have faith in yourself.

Three of Coins
You feel undervalued and unrecognized. Do not be afraid to take some risks to seize a good opportunity.

Knight of Swords
You are entering a period of struggle, be ready to be strong and determined. Use your head more than your heart.

The Fool
In front of you there is the possibility of a new beginning. A new opportunity may present itself and you’ll be asked to make a decision. Optimism and innocence are your weapons.

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